Time to think
Tonight I got to get out of the house for a little bit. I couldn't remember the last time that I wasn't with Dan, Emmaus or at work...so I had some alone time. As soon as I was truly alone (or at least wandering hobby lobby by myself) I realized why I seldom am alone. Because without anyone else to care for or look after, my own thoughts take over and truly I am a mess of a person right now.
I spent sometime thinking about everything happening in our lives. About Dan and I, about Emmaus and all the stuff she faces, and we face with her. About the damn helmet she "needs" to get because her head is flat, about the glasses that eye doctor says she will need soon (both of these things stress me out more than a little) and here is what I came away with.
We can do this. We can be excellent parents for Emmaus. And its not a matter of surviving. It is a matter of living joyfully. Not only about taking the challenges that come each day, but about letting myself feel joy with her. See the thing is...there is surviving-which is what I have been doing, and then there is living. Living is a tricky thing though. It comes with not only joy, but pain too. So while trying to block out the hard stuff, and just survive. I have been missing out on the joy too.
So no building up walls to protect myself from the hard stuff...because turns out it blocks out the happy stuff too.
In saying that I am also going to start doing a better job of guarding my heart. (sounds contrary to not building walls huh?-but its not really) Certain things just aren't encouraging to me right now. They aren't helpful. So instead of listening to those things, instead of letting people discourage me (even though usually it is unintentional) with their words, stories, or comments I am going to just say no thank you to those things.
It was good to get out tonight. To think.
I am so glad to have Emmaus in our lives. So glad SHE is my daughter. I am being refined day by day. And it is largely in part due to her. I am stretching, and growing, and changing. And it hurts. But it is good. Cause I am becoming a better person.
Love, La
I spent sometime thinking about everything happening in our lives. About Dan and I, about Emmaus and all the stuff she faces, and we face with her. About the damn helmet she "needs" to get because her head is flat, about the glasses that eye doctor says she will need soon (both of these things stress me out more than a little) and here is what I came away with.
We can do this. We can be excellent parents for Emmaus. And its not a matter of surviving. It is a matter of living joyfully. Not only about taking the challenges that come each day, but about letting myself feel joy with her. See the thing is...there is surviving-which is what I have been doing, and then there is living. Living is a tricky thing though. It comes with not only joy, but pain too. So while trying to block out the hard stuff, and just survive. I have been missing out on the joy too.
So no building up walls to protect myself from the hard stuff...because turns out it blocks out the happy stuff too.
In saying that I am also going to start doing a better job of guarding my heart. (sounds contrary to not building walls huh?-but its not really) Certain things just aren't encouraging to me right now. They aren't helpful. So instead of listening to those things, instead of letting people discourage me (even though usually it is unintentional) with their words, stories, or comments I am going to just say no thank you to those things.
It was good to get out tonight. To think.
I am so glad to have Emmaus in our lives. So glad SHE is my daughter. I am being refined day by day. And it is largely in part due to her. I am stretching, and growing, and changing. And it hurts. But it is good. Cause I am becoming a better person.
Love, La
you're my hero.
ReplyDeleteI cannot take credit for this...the wise Kerri Myers said this to me just a few days ago...but it left me with so much peace and such a huge wieght lifted.
ReplyDeleteYou and Dan are amazing parents. You're right, you can be excellent parents to Emmaus. But no decision you make, no book that you read, no matter how prepared you are or try to be, is going to make Emmaus who she is going to be... JESUS is. What is going to make you and Dan excellent parents is JESUS, what is going to be the most helpful and hopeful thing in Emmaus' life isn't a perfectly round head, and glasses free eyes, no no, it's JESUS.
So while of course we have to try, using all of the resources we have to do the best we can, which is exactly what you are doing...the responsibility isn't on you...it's on JESUS.
what a relief!
and i love you so much.
You already are EXCELLENT parents of Emmaus. I rarely see parents as committed to Christ as you guys are. Emmaus is blessed beyond belief with people that love her and "stick it out" for her. Because of you guys and your faith in the Almighty God, Emmaus will grow to be a wonderful, loved, and faithful person.
ReplyDeleteYou guys really are heroes.