Monday, January 28, 2013


It probably started with yet another conversation about money- or Dan's job or me feeling exhausted from being with Emmaus all day and then having to work that night. The point is I was once again dis-satisfied with the way things are. 
That seems to be a common theme lately. Dis-satisfaction. Except on the night of this particular conversation something stopped me in my tracks. And for a moment I pondered- what is the root of the problem here? 
So for the last 3 weeks I have been thinking about just that. "What is really the issue" "What is the root of the problem". There is something deep within me that is unsettled, dissatisfied. 
I have discovered it is not my job, or Dan's job, it is not the amount of money we make, it is not lack of sleep or too much Tuberous Sclerosis. 

When Emmaus had her first seizures I remember so vividly being in the hospital that night. Our pastor was there. I remember praying for complete healing- and then I remember him saying something so profound, so truthful that it has stuck to the core of my being. He said "While God may choose to heal her now, remember he lead his own people through the wilderness before taking them to the promise land- he loved them so much, but knew they would forget his goodness if he took them directly to the promise land" (or something kinda like that).

Well I feel it is accurate to say I have been in the wilderness since that night- probably since before that night. And while it has kept me needing the Lord, and aware of his goodness I have missed one key thing. 
Every day to provide for his people God gave them manna to eat. You could take as much manna as you needed for the day, but no more because it would rot. They had to trust God would provide again for them the next day. 
I tend to "store up manna". 
When something huge happens in our life, I tend to ride the wave of Gods goodness until my life is in Crisis again and I must crumble before him and rely on him alone. The manna of goodness he gives is only "fresh" for a bit then it begins to rot. 
Thus my days begin to rot. 
I become unsettled, complacent, joy-less, overwhelmed, my appetite for things is HUGE, yet never able to be filled, I snap at my husband, I resent the life we live. 

But the answer is truly so simple. To daily pick up the manna. To daily let the Joy and truth and Goodness of Jesus wash over life. Because by the next day I will be hungry again, and I will being to starve myself of these essential keys to life if I don't take the time to partake in what God freely has offered me. 

As I being to slow down, begin to daily seek joy, be thankful and spend time with the Lord I feel that unsettled place in my life being to transition into less of a desert and more of a garden. It is still a mess, crazy days, sick babies that don't sleep, financial stress, being overbooked and having too little time- it is full of places that need to be pruned. But something beautiful is happening in my soul. 
Transformation is happening. 


Wednesday, January 23, 2013

Well hello there.

My husband asked me last night if I was ever going to blog again- you know when the person you share life most closely with is noticing the absence of blogging it has been to long. 

Around here we are learning a lot. 
I am learning to be still. To wait. I am diving into deep unsettled places in my life and doing a little gardening. Pruning if you will. 

Emmaus is discovering her world. We are learning to communicate with her- to tell her what is going on even if she may not completely understand. Although I think she understands more than she lets on. 

She has become a pro at feeding herself. Chewing so much better! 

 She is the most snuggly child and recently got an afternoon with her great-grandma. They both enjoyed the snuggles. 

I am desperate for spring. For warmer weather. For feeling the suns warm rays on my skin. But in learning to be still and to wait I am trying not to wish away these slower days of staying in our PJ's till 12 and having very few plans. 
Suddenly I find myself within days of my second trimester- beginning to feel better and enjoy the miracle that a little person is so delicately being formed within.

There is a lot of delicate forming happening around here. 
In our hearts, in our development,(in my uterus)and while huge growth spurts make us ache, make little toddlers emotional and mommy tired. The beauty forming from this growth is an incredible, life changing and exciting. 

Thursday, January 10, 2013

The toddler & why I'm eating so many good & plenty

You see things around here are a bit crazy. 
Life is never calm huh?!
We are adjusting to having a very emotional, opinionated, frustrated toddler on our hands. 
Don't get me wrong- it is a problem we are glad to have-but it is still quite an adjustment.
She literally goes from happy to tantrum in about 5 seconds- it's normal toddler- which is new for us.
She is almost all attitude-and a little sweetness- she gives the best hugs and kisses.

She is into everything. Today I literally saw her TRY to stick her finger then her tongue in a power outlet- Guess it is time to baby proof?
She also has decided my magazines are prime reading material.

Emmaus had her two month surgery follow up this week. Still no daily seizures (she had a couple when she was sick with a fever but that is typical- and expected) and clearly she is developing rapidly. 
Her Surgeon was also quite proud of her scar, and how great it looks- I am very pleased as well!

As for me- well I have been feeling a little less than good. Which truly is a blessing. We found out while we were in the hospital after Emmaus' surgery that she will be a big sister come late July. 
  I love this pic. It just captures how joy & trial are so beautifully intertwined in our lives.

We are very excited to welcome a new baby and completely overwhelmed at the thought of having two "babies" I know Emmaus will be two- but I am assuming she will be closer to 1 developmentally. Which is very much still a baby. I am pretty sure we will never sleep again. 
However- despite our nervousness we feel very blessed. 
Our plate is full, but our cup runs over. 

My reality has looked a bit like this- oh and lots of zofran, B6, and Unisom.
 (I was not sick a day in my pregnancy with Emmaus- it is funny how different they can be!)

Yeah- healthy food choices I know- but you have to eat what will stay down at first. Excited for Trimester 2 and the hope of feeling much better.