Tuesday, March 18, 2014


I thought about giving up something for Lent. But then couldn't choose what I should give up. I wanted it to be something meaningful. Something to improve my relationship with God, or others. I never did decide on anything. However, the more I thought about Lent. The More I realized it is a time to prepare our hearts for death and resurrection.

I have been so overwhelmed by the reality of this life.
The sickeness.
The death.
The injustice.
The brokenhearted.

There are so many that are hurting. So many wrong things that need to be made right.
So this Lent- I am thinking about how I can stand with people in hard places. How I can be a beacon of hope in the darkest corners.
How I can be the truth- The truth that God designed this world to be a perfect place. And because he wanted a relationship with Man he allowed free will. And us as humans messed that up. We choose Sin, we choose a life away from God.  And that allowed brokenness to enter the world.

But here is the good news. The battle has been won. Christ came. He died. And defeated death by rising again.
And he is returning. And when he does. Every tear will be wiped away. All sickness will End. And even Death will be undone.
And that is good news.
But in the meantime- I plan to try to live out Isaiah 61. To stand with those who need support. To be a beacon of home.


Monday, March 17, 2014

Always remember and never forget

Because I just don't want to forget the details...And I am forgetful.

The way that Emmaus grabs my hand so I will walk along side her.
The way that Shiloh holds my head and smiles after a night feeding right before I slip her back into her bed.
The way that Shiloh spoons her bunny when you lay her in her crib.
The way that Emmaus slowly sticks her tongue out and leans in to "kiss me
The way that Emmaus purses her lips and shakes her head no. To every.single.question.I.ask.her. - Unless it has to do with food. Or Daniel Tiger.
The way Emmaus "runs" down the hall. Its is truly a very uncoordinated fast walk.
The way Shiloh is so interested in what is happening around her that she nurses & looks around then nurses some more- then repeats this about 100 times per feeding. - And how during almost all times I am nursing Shiloh, Emmaus must also sit on my lap- not because she is jealous, just because she senses some sort of bonding activity is happening- and she doesn't want to be left out.
How when Shiloh is excited she sits and almost jumps up and down she is rocking on her bottom so hard- she also dances to music this way
The way Emmaus cocks her head and smiles when I look back at her in the car.

I wish I could bottle up these things. For when they are grown, and their innocence beings to fade, for when the world is hard on them. These precious moments pass so fast.


Sunday, March 16, 2014

Tall nonfat piping hot cup of Nostalgia

The hubby and I got to go on a date last week. We did a little shopping- which I'm sure was his first choice of activity (or not), but he was a good sport. And then had a fun dinner. And then to end the Evening we drove the familiar drive to our beloved Prairie Village Starbucks. I know that sounds stupid- that starbucks is a special place to us. However let me explain. First- this isn't any Starbucks. This specific store space has been a coffee shop since I was a very young girl. My mom used to take me there on occasion and get me a vanilla steamer. I thought I was so big drinking my "coffee". I remember sitting at the table, looking out the window, and being with my mom.  Little did I know that several years later I would move home from college to start nursing school and end up working in this same building, however now it was a Starbucks. It doesn't have a drive through, it is a small store, simple really. And makes Mission Kansas seem like the neighborhood where everyone knows one another- which is often the case.
About a month after I started working at this Starbucks we got a new manager. His name was Dan. He was kind, energetic, and the type of person who remembered your name. I introduced myself to him once, and I never remember him EVER mispronouncing my name after that.
I was coming out of a rough relationship, broken hearted, and weary.
He was a 20 year old who STILL had braces, was a total pot-head, smoked probably a pack a day and had the MOST ridiculous haircut I maybe have ever seen.
However- I always enjoyed him. And remember being interested in him very early on.
I heard a rumor a few months ago that the store was moving, they were building a new store just across the parking lot, that would be much bigger and have a drive through. (The mother in me loves drive throughs, however my heart hurt a little knowing this little space would cease to exist).
So Dan and I took one last trip to the place we met, and our young love began.

We ordered our drinks and sat in the corner. Dan still remembered the loyal customer and his drink that sat in the chair across the store.
We talked about the day we met, when he played Santa for the store Christmas party, the first time we hung out, about how I always would go "study" at the store just to see him. How, once I traded into accidentily closing the store with him (after we were already dating secretly- he wrote the schedule and always made it so we didn't work together-since our relationship was a no-no) and how awkward it was. And how five minutes after we closed the store and both left I called him and we hung out- as two people dating, instead of a boss and his employee.

I found myself wondering if I had known then what our life would entail- would I have run for the hills? Or would I have geared up and headed into the storm. I am glad I didn't know. I tend to like the easy road.  I would have missed all the joy that comes from the hard in our lives. All the pain that has been so magnificently transformed into hope, and growth.

As we sat sipping our piping cups of nostalgia- I wished I could step back into those simpler times. (At least they seem simpler in hindsight- they had their own challenges I'm sure).  That we could hang out at the Lamar house on summer nights. That we could pick up and go on a road trip-because why not?   That we could exchange secret glances as we sat together with no agenda on the back porch of Starbucks.
Truth is- if I could return to that time. I would miss our now. Our little ones. Giggly girls. The beautiful life we live.