Friday, December 18, 2015

Motherhood. Who knew.

I have to remind myself almost daily that these years are suppose to be the crazy ones. That having little kids isn't easy. It feels like time just rushes together and yet somehow the two hours from 4pm-6pm last an eternity.
I looked at my work schedule for the first six weeks of the new year and instantly felt overwhelmed. Desperately searching for when I would "get a break". Truth be told I never have worked so many hours since becoming a mom. And while I know I am exactly where I am suppose to be, the demand of it all feels heavy.  It seems impossible to be in charge of so much and to do it all well.
It is funny. I have always dreamed of having a family. A big one. I didn't always want to be a nurse, or have a love for sewing and crafting. But I always wanted to be a mom.
And yet the mom job is so much harder than I ever imagined. It seems crazy to me all the self sacrifice it takes to "have exactly what I wanted".
Of course I figured I would stay home, have endless funds to do fun things with my kids and take vacations with them- all my kids were of course healthy, and EXTREMELY well behaved and they were all excellent sleepers- and the sickness-you know, the endless runny nose, cough and fever that never leave small children- yeah that didn't exist in my mind.
(I am giggling writing this. But it's true! It's kinda what I dreamed this life would be like!)
Instead I am humbled daily- serving the tiny humans I created. Working hard outside our home, while trying to manage everything in it. Driving what I call "the bus route" to and from Emmaus' school each day. Working to try to understand what she needs and her frustration at a low level.   Pleading with my two year old to stop crying, whining, and to try her food. Annoyed when my baby is still waking to eat multiple times a night. (Seriously we need to sleep train- but I am just too dang tired!)
I have to remember to stop and enjoy the stage we are in. Even in its hardness. To take a look around and be less overwhelmed for the housework that never ends, the sleep that never happens, and the snot that is ALWAYS on my clothing.

Motherhood. Who knew. 

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Tuesday, December 1, 2015

So much sickness.

I haven't written because I have no words. And well I have three kids and I'm working basically full time so I just haven't had the time or energy.
It has been a hard few weeks. We are going on 7 weeks of sickness. Real sickness. A viral pneumonia for Emmaus that resulted in a hospital stay for a week. A week after she was released I had a kidney stone that required surgery and me just feeling crummy. Then I got shingles- cause that's likely. Followed immediately by a significant cold. All the while Emmaus still hasn't completely gotten over her sickness, shiloh and the baby have had colds too, which means no one is sleeping, or happy and we all are overall just pretty miserable. Then Sunday Emmaus spiked another temp and has a pretty bad respiratory infection again.
Oh- and apparently postpartum anxiety is a thing? I never knew! I am about the least anxious person in the world and suddenly my mind races to the worse case scenario at all times and I am terrified of all the very real things happening around me, no matter how unlikely they are to actually happen to me.
I am discouraged that we have affinitor (Emmaus' new med) sitting on our kitchen counter. And since it has arrived she has not been well enough to start it. It feels unfair. All this sickness feels personal. Like an attack. (I'm sure it is). Emmaus has been pretty darn healthy for over a year and right now when we have this med to try all of this sickness has come out of no where. It stops me, makes me pause and once again realize no med will heal her. It makes me put my trust back in the Lord.  All of this sickness drives me to pray. To ask for the Lord to rescue me from these trials. To ask the Lord to heal her, to take this burden from her. Because I simply cannot do anything else.

This mothering gig can be lonely. The days are so long. The whines and cries so loud. And when I am alone with my tiny humans all.day.long. I sometimes forget I am not alone in this. I think the isolation in motherhood of having small children is intense. But I am not alone. I know so many of you that I know personally and that I haven't ever met are fighting the same battles. The daily grind of raising tiny humans. Fighting to find the joy in little moments surrounded by mass amounts of chaos. I mostly like chaos, but all of this sickness I can do without.

One last thought. I realized I HAVE to start taking care of myself. I take care of everyone else. But I neglect myself. And I am not just magically going to start taking care of myself! I must form the habit of doing this.  So, I've started drinking water. (Coffee doesn't count as water- who knew?!) I have started taking vitamins. (A prenatal, vitamin D, and Magnesium- to help combat the anxiety) I am trying to get to bed earlier (cause sleep...duh).  And I am washing my face every day (which I have never done in all of my life) Basic huh? A little sad I didn't do any of that stuff before. But I have to start somewhere!
A couple more goals- (Also EXTREMELY basic)
-Go to the dentist every 6 months. Because I pay to have that benefit, so I should use it- also I never EVER EVER want to have to get 5 cavities filled again. (Yes- I had five cavities, cause I rarely go to the dentist and I had to get them filled (while I had two cancer sores) between having the kidney stone, and getting shingles- I'm tellin ya it's been a FUN month!)
-1 day a month get a babysitter and be kidless. And rest, or do something that feels life giving to me!

Okay I lied.  One more thing. If we aren't facebook friends or you haven't seen it yet- go check out this video. Our church gave us the opportunity to tell our story. And the hope that we have in raising a child with special needs. And despite this post being a little gloomy we truly are so blessed and do have so much hope in our lives.
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