I laugh at my title but it is true. It was the same way with Emmaus. Everything for us goes so smoothly at first when we add a baby, but about 2-3 months in I start feeling it. I get back to work and can do okay in pure survival mode for about a month then BAM- our crazy life starts catching up with me and sad mommy/mean wife becomes a frequent house guest and it’s time to bust out the Prozac. Which I shamelessly admit, and take and love. Makes me a happier mommy & nicer wife.
It has been a hard transition this time. I feel like with Emmaus I had the hard time but Dan was consistently steady, and this time we are both feeling it. I started working at Children’s Mercy again right before I had Shiloh to pay for Emmaus’ pre-school and between the two Jobs and two babies and trying to get my small business started I think I bit off more than WE can chew.
So a couple weeks ago with a VERY sad heart I put in my notice at New Birth Company. It truly was a hard decision. I will pick up a few more shifts a month at Children’s and trust God to provide the rest. Which He has always been faithful to do before, Abundantly.
I find myself once again wrestling with the reality of TS. Sad about what it has taken from our family. Frustrated really. Angry about the extra costs, angry about the extra work-both hours I work and extra work we have to do with Emmaus, Angry about the whole deal.
Yet, when I look at our lives, at the path we are walking, I can clearly see how much I have learned. Lessons I am still learning every day. We are fighting for progress. Hard places in my heart that slowly are being broken down as we continue this journey. I see this little girl in front of me who is blossoming daily. She can be a hard child, but I can see her daily fighting for progress just as we are. I see her trying her hardest to recall the words she knows. To use them appropriately. She signs the word, and when I ask her to say them I see her sweet rose-bud lips forming the letters even if I don’t always hear the words. They are in there.
I think after two and a half years of holding my breath I have finally begun a very painful exhale. Maybe painful is a dramatic word. But that is how it feels. November 15 marked a year since Emmaus’ surgery, a year we were warned would tell us much about how successful her surgery had been. It has been successful beyond our expectations and now as we have passed that milestone of a year, added a new baby- (who is developing so quickly it shows us truly how slowly Emmaus developed)- I have begun to exhale and it is painful. Heartbreaking truly, so much of that grief that I never processed- instead I shoved it aside and just “accepted our new normal” is having to be thought through. Which truly is good. Necessary. And it is a testament to how well she is doing that I can step back from “let’s just survive this” to process.
I am amazed every day at my sweet girls. I feel blessed beyond measure to have two girls. I think The Lord knew how much joy two little girls would bring me and so gave me a second girl as a gift. They are the sweetest sisters. Shiloh has begun to love Emmaus as much as Emmaus loves her- it is fun to see her change and develop and have preferences. And she DEFINITELY prefers Emmaus.
I have written so much about Joy & Pain and how delicately they are intertwined. And once again I see that so clearly in my life these days.
Right now things feel raw and rough and the reality of being Emmaus’ parents, or maybe it’s just parenthood in general is a bit overwhelming. But the joy, of our house being full of giggly little girls, who’s smiles light up even dark places is overwhelming in a positive way.
I can confidently say-
I know the Lord is faithful. He loves us. And he is bringing good things.