Emmaus came into this world with a labor of love. A labor that was maybe my truest moments of communion with the Lord. A time where I knew the nearness of the Lord, and knew he heard and cared about my request. Where as her mother my body broke for the child I was carrying. With every contraction I allowed my body to submit to the process that was a new life entering the world. I pled with the Lord that night and into the next morning that she would be born healthy, that she would be spared from the burden of sickness we suspected was present in the very core of her genetic code.
Her name had been in my heart for a long time. I heard a sermon at church about the road to Emmaus. The idea behind the passage in Luke 24 is that after the resurrection Jesus walked with the disciples and they didn't recognize him. He spoke scriptures and truth to them, and then only after they left him did they realize it was him with them. They asked each other, “Were not our hearts burning within us while he talked with us on the road and opened the Scriptures to us?”
Dan and I were engaged the first time I brought up our hypothetical daughter Emmaus. He immediately said "hell-to-the-no" It's weird I get it. But then I just kept on it and he grew to love it too. And it was actually him when we first found out about tuberous sclerosis that said "well, her name is clearly Emmaus!" We knew along the road that we wouldn't always know the Lord was walking with us. But looking back we would surely be able to see he was there all the time.
This girl. She has increased my faith. She has caused my heart to burn for the Lord. To know that this world is temporary, broken, and full of sickness and death. But that this world is not my home. I was created for the world that is coming.
This week I have had to submit to the Lord that Emmaus is his child. I have once again had to say "Lord I trust you, and will submit to your will for her-for me." Emmaus in my life is a spiritual catalyst. She makes me seek the Lord, because there is no way for me to try to control her, or the outcome of her life. I cannot sit in fear over her life. Because I have no control over her life. This doesn't mean I haven't been afraid. Just that I cannot live in a place of fear.
Anyway- these are just my sleep deprived- ICU mom ramblings.
I won't claim my Emmaus is changing others, or making their hearts burn for the Lord. But she has changed me. And that is enough.