Scars and Wounds and Messy Stuff.

In the middle of the night last night as I was comforting my almost 11 month old for probably the third time that night, laying there with her on top of me because that is the only way she would quiet down and sleep,  I literally had the thought  “I sure don’t like you as much as I thought I would when you were an itty baby” WOW.  That is what 5 years of unpredictable sleep has done to my thought process.  Don’t worry- I liked her again this am when her chubby self got to belly laughing.  The funny thing is- three kids in you would think I would have an idea of why the heck she was up so much last night, but I just have no idea. Teeth? Ears? She just want to snuggle? I DON’T EVEN PRETEND TO KNOW.  I swear these kids might be trying to kill me.
We sold our house. We have been thinking about moving for a year or so, and before Emmaus got sick started the process and well now it’s done.  We will be renting in a nearby city close to some friends of ours (like our back yards touch) for a while.  The rest will depend on schools for Emmaus and where God leads us in reality.
Our house sold fast. 8 days. Which felt like 100. On day 7 I cried to my sister-in-law about how “of course our house wasn't selling fast because nothing is that easy for us” (insert deeper issue/feelings  I should sort out).  We had one offer before that which was so low it was a bit offensive.  So I was feeling quite defeated. Beat up. We had close to 75 showing in 8 days and so we basically weren’t home for a week- and then, after my meltdown we had a great offer the next day. 
Let’s be honest- I needed to have the meltdown. Like my wise sister-in-law pointed out I am a do-er.  I am calm in crisis, I get what needs to be done taken care of and then I move on.  And sometimes moving on to the next thing (Like selling our house right after our daughter was incredibly ill) might be a way of avoiding dealing with all the feelings and emotions one is bound to have after such a traumatic event.  Cause let’s be honest- who wants to take their downtime to “work out” all that tangled mess of feelings? So I am going to say that our house being on the market longer than I expected  (I had a bidding war, opening weekend sale in mind) was the Lord’s grace to me so I could begin to deal with my junk.
See the thing I have realized over the last few weeks is that even though I have grown into dealing with the fact my daughter has a rare, complicated, and incurable disease.  Seeing  the reality of just how sick she can get, and facing the fact that one day I may have to say goodbye to her while I remain on this earth is just a little more than I can even begin to process.  I have faced the grieving that has come with my expectations of my family and life being so very different from the reality of them.  But this- this is a whole new set of wounds, of disappointment, of anxieties and fears.  
I started reading a new book today.  Here is an expert from it.
Scars are easier to talk about than they are to show- with all the remembered feelings laid bare. And rarely do we see wounds that are in the process of healing. – Brene Brown
And so I haven’t blogged- because who wants to expose their gaping open wound?  Am I right?

But- I also realize I am not alone in these experiences. We all have open, gaping wounds.  They might be different than mine, but they are present.  And being vulnerable and open even in the hard stuff is important to me.  So there it is.  
I will leave you with this. A sweet picture of Emmaus "singing" as Adele blasted on my phone today. Girlfriend loves some Adele. 



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