I cannot stand it anymore. 
The hate. The bullying. The corruption of sweet little minds
-even if unknowingly. 
Teaching our young to hate, to bully. 
If we treated others like we treat ourselves Ellen would do a huge campaign against it. It would be trending news, and no one would put up with it. 

During this pregnancy I got some stretch marks- I had two from my pregnancy with Emmaus and this time I added several more. And when they first started to appear I was so mad. I was angry with myself for starting this pregnancy heavier (I mean the bottle of wine I shared with my husband every night pre-brain surgery may have contributed) but still stress or no stress I should have been thinner, weighed less, been in better shape. So I was mad- at myself. Some phrases like "my body is ruined" or "sorry babe- my tummy is gonna look all jacked up now"or "I hate my body" may have escaped my mouth.  Never did I give myself an ounce of grace. 

I have always been a self hater- all my friends are self haters (mostly), my mom, my grandma. Pretty much most women I know hate themselves- or at least their appearance. 
We diet, we work out like crazy, and yet still at our most fit-we pinch the skin that is on our hips and scream about how "fat we are". We look at the laugh lines on our faces and see wrinkles (yes I know I am 27-but they are there). 
And don't get me started about how we feel about changing bodies during pregnancy and shortly there after! 

Well one night during my last trimester I was completely humbled by this obsession. By this self hate. 

I got to thinking about my precious daughter. How lovely she is. How God made her so beautifully. And how I want her to know her beauty- and I don't want her to hate herself too.  Her disease causes lots of skin abnormalities. She has spots that are a little raised and bumpy, she has area's of hypo-pigmentation, and she has the potential to get several other skin complications. But I never want her to think she is not lovely, not beautiful because of these things. 

Yet I think the "abnormal" markings on my skin- the very thing that let my body change and grow to house my beautiful girls- are horrible, ugly, and unacceptable.

So what message am I truly sending her?

So I say enough. 
My body is incredible. It has helped create, grow, sustain, and nourish two children. It was beautiful before I had babies too- even if I wasn't the "perfect hollywood size" or I am short. 

I refuse to hate myself any longer. 
Simply because I refuse to set that example for my daughters. 

All my "self hating" friends were damaged by having idealistic expectations put on them- whether by themselves and the media, or many by their mothers- and not always intentionally by their mothers- but if your mom hates XY&Z about herself- and you grow up knowing you have your mom's chin, her torso, and her calves-then you will learn to hate those things too. 

How do we make a cultural change for our children? I think we have to start with ourselves. We have to get comfortable with our selves. We have to see our own beauty. We need to be healthy, but not only physically healthy- mentally healthy. 

So I am continuing this journey I started a few months ago. 
To teach my daughters how beautiful they are- to be comfortable with myself first- so they can learn to be comfortable with themselves. 
So my sons (future ones of course) can learn that a beauty is not just in a woman's appearance. 

I know I am not alone in this self hate- or the desire to break this cycle- to give my daughters the gift of truly knowing they are beautiful



  1. As someone who has always thought of herself as ugly, fat even when I wasn't...always surprised when people, especially men. would tell me how cute I was...it always amazes me when women that I consider to be beautiful, don't think they are. But, then again, I get it. I have always thought you were beautiful...and I think you are even more beautiful when you were carrying those precious granddaughters of mine. (if I had been that adorably cute when I was pregnant....who knows? Maybe I would have had 12 kids...haha) Another point? Women don't always take compliments well!....hmmmm...Wonderful blog, La, so true....this needs to be said and you said it so very well.

  2. Kristen Davis-ChangAugust 16, 2013 at 2:35 AM

    You read my mind! I am a self-hater too. And I dont want my daughter to be one. It gets in the way of living at times. And my husband and daughter dont care a thing about it, just that I am here to share life with. So here is too living healthy but not obsessing so they can too.


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