It probably started with yet another conversation about money- or Dan's job or me feeling exhausted from being with Emmaus all day and then having to work that night. The point is I was once again dis-satisfied with the way things are.
That seems to be a common theme lately. Dis-satisfaction. Except on the night of this particular conversation something stopped me in my tracks. And for a moment I pondered- what is the root of the problem here?
So for the last 3 weeks I have been thinking about just that. "What is really the issue" "What is the root of the problem". There is something deep within me that is unsettled, dissatisfied.
I have discovered it is not my job, or Dan's job, it is not the amount of money we make, it is not lack of sleep or too much Tuberous Sclerosis.
When Emmaus had her first seizures I remember so vividly being in the hospital that night. Our pastor was there. I remember praying for complete healing- and then I remember him saying something so profound, so truthful that it has stuck to the core of my being. He said "While God may choose to heal her now, remember he lead his own people through the wilderness before taking them to the promise land- he loved them so much, but knew they would forget his goodness if he took them directly to the promise land" (or something kinda like that).
Well I feel it is accurate to say I have been in the wilderness since that night- probably since before that night. And while it has kept me needing the Lord, and aware of his goodness I have missed one key thing.
Every day to provide for his people God gave them manna to eat. You could take as much manna as you needed for the day, but no more because it would rot. They had to trust God would provide again for them the next day.
I tend to "store up manna".
When something huge happens in our life, I tend to ride the wave of Gods goodness until my life is in Crisis again and I must crumble before him and rely on him alone. The manna of goodness he gives is only "fresh" for a bit then it begins to rot.
Thus my days begin to rot.
I become unsettled, complacent, joy-less, overwhelmed, my appetite for things is HUGE, yet never able to be filled, I snap at my husband, I resent the life we live.
But the answer is truly so simple. To daily pick up the manna. To daily let the Joy and truth and Goodness of Jesus wash over life. Because by the next day I will be hungry again, and I will being to starve myself of these essential keys to life if I don't take the time to partake in what God freely has offered me.
As I being to slow down, begin to daily seek joy, be thankful and spend time with the Lord I feel that unsettled place in my life being to transition into less of a desert and more of a garden. It is still a mess, crazy days, sick babies that don't sleep, financial stress, being overbooked and having too little time- it is full of places that need to be pruned. But something beautiful is happening in my soul.
Transformation is happening.