Death & Diarrhea
Every time I feel like I am doing "okay" it becomes very apparent that actually I am not. Our trip to St. Louis has given us lots to think about. We will find out tomorrow what the team of Doctors think is the best plan for Emmaus and go from there. However, I am very confident based on our discussions with the doctors while we were there they will say surgery is a good idea. I thought I was pretty okay with this plan. That is the basis of what I am about to write.
Tonight we had this church picture thing. Our church is young. 3 years old (or 4 I forget)- it is mainly younger people, couples starting families, ect. So tonight we planned to get the "first generation" of kids together to take a picture. We planned to go before church started to get the pic. It was scheduled for 430 but I didn't get that message so we missed it. One of the dads I hardly know let me know we missed it and said "We will take one again next year". I said okay no big deal (cause really- it's not). And then I started bawling. Cause my thought that immediately followed his statement was "Emmaus might not be alive next year for the damn picture".
WOAH.
Yes I just said that, or admitted that I thought it. I hadn't really processed THAT fear of her having the surgery. I mean brain surgery is a big deal- I think about infection, complications like bleeding, about it not being very successful, about the time we will need off work, about her being in pain, but I haven't allowed myself to get to the D word yet. Death.
Shakes me to my very core.
Once I started crying then of course I couldn't stop. Then I couldn't relax- then I gave myself diarrhea cause I was freaking out. (Wow the D word and then talking about diarrhea in one post)
I sure hope thats why I am having diarrhea and it's not the raw cookie dough I ate earlier...the package specifically said "DO NOT EAT RAW DOUGH"...I disobeyed.
We left church early because I am watching two other little ones this weekend and while they did very good through the music they started to get restless during the service (okay truth be told one of our iphone batteries died and so they started fighting over who got to use the one live iphone). ANYWAY I was sad to leave but on the way home Gangnam Style came on the radio (if you haven't seen this you tube video check it out- HILARIOUS) Emmaus loves this video and always claps and squeals with joy during it. All three kids were dancing and singing in the car. It was amazing. It was joyful. It made me glad that we left early just because we heard the song. Because for a few minutes we could be in the car forgetting about surgery, TS or seizures with three singing, dancing beautiful babies. And two adults that were enjoying every moment of it. (I am pretty sure that song is about being a lady during the day and a freak at night and even thought it is in Korean it definitely has "Sexy lady" in the chorus multiple times- oh well win some, lose some)
Point is I am freaking out a little about surgery.
Guess that is probably normal.
Love,
La
Tonight we had this church picture thing. Our church is young. 3 years old (or 4 I forget)- it is mainly younger people, couples starting families, ect. So tonight we planned to get the "first generation" of kids together to take a picture. We planned to go before church started to get the pic. It was scheduled for 430 but I didn't get that message so we missed it. One of the dads I hardly know let me know we missed it and said "We will take one again next year". I said okay no big deal (cause really- it's not). And then I started bawling. Cause my thought that immediately followed his statement was "Emmaus might not be alive next year for the damn picture".
WOAH.
Yes I just said that, or admitted that I thought it. I hadn't really processed THAT fear of her having the surgery. I mean brain surgery is a big deal- I think about infection, complications like bleeding, about it not being very successful, about the time we will need off work, about her being in pain, but I haven't allowed myself to get to the D word yet. Death.
Shakes me to my very core.
Once I started crying then of course I couldn't stop. Then I couldn't relax- then I gave myself diarrhea cause I was freaking out. (Wow the D word and then talking about diarrhea in one post)
I sure hope thats why I am having diarrhea and it's not the raw cookie dough I ate earlier...the package specifically said "DO NOT EAT RAW DOUGH"...I disobeyed.
We left church early because I am watching two other little ones this weekend and while they did very good through the music they started to get restless during the service (okay truth be told one of our iphone batteries died and so they started fighting over who got to use the one live iphone). ANYWAY I was sad to leave but on the way home Gangnam Style came on the radio (if you haven't seen this you tube video check it out- HILARIOUS) Emmaus loves this video and always claps and squeals with joy during it. All three kids were dancing and singing in the car. It was amazing. It was joyful. It made me glad that we left early just because we heard the song. Because for a few minutes we could be in the car forgetting about surgery, TS or seizures with three singing, dancing beautiful babies. And two adults that were enjoying every moment of it. (I am pretty sure that song is about being a lady during the day and a freak at night and even thought it is in Korean it definitely has "Sexy lady" in the chorus multiple times- oh well win some, lose some)
Point is I am freaking out a little about surgery.
Guess that is probably normal.
Love,
La
Love you.
ReplyDeleteI'm with Nikki.
ReplyDeleteI'm so sorry, Laura. Just hate that your sweet family has to go through this process. Thank God for Gangnam style :)
ReplyDeleteYes, God may choose to heal Emmaus by taking her home to heaven. It is good that your realize that might happen. But do not waste time dwelling on it. Enjoy her every moment, like you are doing. Take pictures and share with others, like you are doing. Give Emmaus up to God like you would if she were healthy. Ask for his guidance to raise His child as He wishes you to. When I did this with my children, it took so much off my shoulders. Yes, I was their best advocate, devoted fan, mom and teacher; but the care of them was God's responsibilty. Who better to raise our children but their Creator!
ReplyDeleteLove to you all. Paula Anderson
I'm so glad that you were able to enjoy the moment of singing, dancing and rejoicing. It seems like the more I can stay in the now, the better off I am. When I start jumping to the "what ifs" and the decisions and tasks of tomorrow and beyond, I get myself in trouble and fear and lose the joy and grace of now. Love you and your amazing family!
ReplyDelete