Loss & Hope
This is my second attempt at writing this- my first one was
sterile, emotionless and factual, and well honestly, that is how I have learned
to handle hard things, but it isn’t real.
This blog is going to make my last one seem odd, because clearly this has been going on at the same time, but JOY&PAIN. They live together- they are not exclusive of each other. They are basically Siamese Twins. (Or at least holding hands at all times)
I found out a few weeks ago I was pregnant. It was
completely a surprise, (we had been taking steps to NOT get pregnant) but if
you know me and my dream of 5 close in age children you know I was quickly
excited (in shock…but excited).
Excited about the chaos of having Emmaus who at 21 months
will probably not be walking, or talking much, and a brand new baby. Sure, it
is an overwhelming thought, but exciting.
Then this week I miscarried.
I find myself sad, and mad, and thinking what the heck was
the point of all of this. I was happy not being pregnant for now, so this all seems so
pointless.
I find myself compounding this situation with everything
that has happened in the last year and being kind of a pitiful baby about
things.
I spent most of an evening, and a good part of Wednesday
bawling my eyes out.
--not
only for this loss, but for a lot more than this. For the loss and frustrations
I have felt in the last year. For this baby I will not meet on this earth, for
my smiley blonde haired chubbs who has battles to face that are just unfair,
for those around me who can’t seem to catch a break either. For the brokenness of it all.
I do have an overwhelming peace about this loss, but it is
still that, a loss.
My sister in law miscarried last week (I know bad week for the Ballews) and I found a print to
order for her. It said this-
And to think, when their little eyes opened the first
thing they saw was the face of Jesus.
I just can’t get over that.
It gives me hope. The hope of knowing someday this broken
world will end and I too will be face to face with Jesus. (And my sweet little
babe) But we will both be WHOLE and the sadness & hardship of this world will not exist.
As for now. I’m kinda mad, and kinda sad, and the hardships
of the last 15 months seem very magnified.
But I have hope.
Love,
La
I
know what I'm doing. I have it all planned out—plans to take care of you, not
abandon you, plans to give you the future you hope for. Jer 29:11
Praying for healing for your heart. Psalm 34:18 "The Lord is near to the brokenhearted and saves those crushed in spirit." I know each journey is so very different, but I've walked through a miscarriage and know the reality that this child will always be in your heart...I'm so sorry, LA.
ReplyDeleteOh I am so sad to hear! My heart goes out to your family Laurisa. I've been thru a miscarriage too - there is nothing quite like the pain, and I know that peace you're referring to. I'm praying today that the Lord will keep that peace coming (thanks God) & increase it, and love on you right now in ways only He knows how to. I love your quote. I bawl every time I watch Tangled, the part near the end where the parents finally see their daughter...heaven, for us and our babies. Lots and lots of love, sweet L. Love you.
ReplyDeleteOh, I'm so sorry Laurisa. The loss of a life hoped for and already loved is such a deep sorrow. Thank you for sharing how you are feeling. Love you so much!
ReplyDeleteI'm so sorry for your loss. I lost a baby between Ellie and AJ and I still think about/wonder what that baby would be like. But I know that s/he is in Heaven with MY grandmother - I'm convinced this is her chance to great-grandparent, since she never got to meet the babies I have on Earth with me.
ReplyDeleteI'm so sorry Laurisa. And as usual, totally challenged and encouraged by how you handle each new hurdle in your path.
ReplyDeletei've said it before, i'll say it again...you're a badass. and i love you.
ReplyDeleteSo very sorry for you loss... What a beautiful quote and wonderful promise from Scripture to hold on to.
ReplyDeleteSweetie - I'm so sorry. I never knew how incredible the pain was until I experienced it first hand. I've had 2 miscarriages in 2012, at 11 weeks and 12 weeks. All I can say is that it gets better. Even today, I'll tear up about it. Embrace the sadness, knowing that God is sharing His power with you. You know that He has a plan. You just don't have to understand it. I love you and feel so sad with you today.
ReplyDeleteOh Laurisa. Sorry doesn't even begin to cut it, but I am so so sorry. =( I will be praying for you guys. We love you.
ReplyDelete