bipolar life

I kinda snapped today. Like maybe threw a hissy fit. 

 I don't know what caused it- It could have been the millionth picture of my friends at the lake this summer (sorry if it was your picture). Or my best friend asking me all sorts of questions this AM - that were completely appropriate but made me unzip my backpack  that was stuffed full of emotions that I was trying to ignore. 

Or maybe it is because I feel fall in the air- and it makes me want to pack up head to manhattan and move into a dorm.  

Tonight-  I am wishing I could go back to a simpler time. 

I think all of this is unfair. 

I think losing a baby, having a baby with TS and just having such a big/hard week is just too much.

So while I was feeding Emmaus dinner- I was also crying. Crying cause I don't want Emmaus to have to get glasses, need thickened liquids, or have TS. I want to still be pregnant with the baby we lost. I want to have a "day off" and go to the lake.

So I am sitting there feeding Emmaus and Crying- I sniffle and she cracks up. Like busts out belly laughing. 

And there it is. The joy that so delicately is intwined with the pain. 

A joy that makes me forget about glasses, or TS, miscarriage, or a day on the lake. 

A joy that brings me back to my reality- not one that is just pain- just hardship. But one that I wouldn't trade- even if my whole life is full of these hard things. 

A joy that makes me laugh so hard my tears turn from tears of pain, to tears of joy. 

And that is my bipolar life. I guess I will keep it. (ha- like I had a choice!)
Love,
La