You are doing alright mama

I had a situation this week where I seriously started doubting if I am doing anything right in this life. Emmaus has been having these weird movements and for over a month I have explained them away as "development". And suddenly I was terrified they were seizures, or spasms, and here I am a pediatric nurse not seeing what is clearly in front of me. Good news is, I sent our neurologist a video and he agreed the movements were her learning how to control her body, learning fine motor skills.

But- in the few hours it took for him to get back to me I kinda was in a panic. 

I assessed my entire current life in that time. 

The fact I made only one meal for my husband last week. 

The reality of how hard it is to work AND be a good mommy. 

That my house is rarely clean.

That I often have a to-do list a mile long. 

That I feel called to live in community, but sometimes I trade that for much needed rest with my husband and daughter.

That I haven't worked out in a month.

That I often am a mediocre friend, and honestly pretty needy right now.

That I have a child with a very overwhelming and sometimes serious disease, that I am not as faithful as I should be about doing her physical therapy activities every day. 

I thought about how I desire to have a big family, a bundle of kids, but I wonder how that will impact Emmaus, how on earth will I care for all her needs while having and caring for her younger siblings?

I wondered why God chose us to walk this road. 

We were getting ready to leave to run errands while all this is running through my head. As I was buckling Emmaus into her car seat she caught my eye, tilted her head, and smiled the biggest smile up at me.

I stopped my self-induced guilt trip that very minute. I thanked her for the smile and for reminding me I am doing the best I can. I may have shed a little tear. And I said aloud. "Laurisa, you are doing a good job, you are doing the best you can".

To my detriment I am a planner, a perfectionist(although I often deny this). And my life just doesn't allow for that. In the last year all my plans have been derailed. And it has been better because of that. So I am choosing now to stop the self guilt trips. Its called grace- and I must learn to have it for myself.

So I just wanted to say to all the mamas out there that feel all those aforementioned things. To the mamas that feel guilty for not being perfect or even close to it really. You are doing a good job. You are doing the best you can.

I guess that's all.
Love,
La