I don't know how to start. Or what to say.
I hesitate to be as vulnerable or open as I usually am with my writing because I am somewhat ashamed of my reaction. My feelings.
It is my nature to turn to hope. To declare God is faithful. But today I don't feel that way. I don't see Gods goodness. Or his faithfulness.

You see we started praying for the Nagels a few years ago. They lost their 2 year old daughter to a failed adoption. We prayed for God to intervene in that time.
I have continued to pray for their family. As they heal, as they start over, as they began to hope for a new baby.
These people have become close to my heart. Not because they could pick me out of a crowd or because we know each other intimately...but because they are our brothers and sisters. Because they live in our community. Because they believe in the goodness of Jesus just like us.
Sunday I got a text from a friend telling me that the husband Matt suffered a Stroke while running a race. So we started praying. Believing. Faith of a mustard seed (RIGHT!??)
After several surgeries...procedures..and measures to protect his brain and body. It was just too much. Matts care transitioned to comfort care. He will be with Jesus today.

And honestly I am mad. I am angry. I begin to look at all that has happened to this sweet family. And I see it as unfair. Unmerciful.

And while my nature is to hope. My nature is to say God is faithful. Tonight I struggle to believe. I struggle to see the Goodness.

I was reading Emmaus the Jesus story book bible a little while ago and it said this

Talking about Jesus
"And, One day when He comes back to rule forever, the mountains and trees will dance and sing for joy! The earth will shout out loud! His fame will fill the whole earth-as the waters cover the sea! Everything sad will come untrue, Even death is going to die! And he will wipe away every tear from every eye. Yes, the Rescuer will come, Look for him, Watch for him. Wait for him. He will Come!
I promise."

Jesus please come.

Please pray for Molly and Harper, Matt's wife and daughter.



  1. Greatly stated Laurissa! My thoughts and feelings are so the same but couldn't get it in words but you hit it spot on here.

  2. Asking Jesus to come doesn't sound like a lack of faith to me.
    It sounds like the hope of hope.
    you're such a beautiful heart.
    i love you.


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