My struggle.

I struggle with feeling included. I kinda always have. I am very aware that feeling excluded is a way that the enemy isolates me. I remember feeling this way freshman year of high school when a lot of new girls joined our class- the feeling of being fearful that I would be replaced in my friend group, fighting (only in my own head) for a position. I remember feeling this way in college. And I have felt it often as an adult.  It really is a problem.
Here is how it goes. I feel left out/not chosen/not desired (Umm wow there are some layers in that huh?!)
Then instead of addressing the issue I say to myself "Fine. We (I obviously pull dan into my isolation) can do this alone" and then I isolate myself further. (GREAT SOLUTION RIGHT?!)
Well truth be told we cannot do this alone. We NEED community. That is how we are designed to live. God created humans to live in community with him. In Genesis it talks about him walking in the cool of the day with Adam and Eve. (Gosh that is the ultimate community huh?) But then we choose sin. And messed things up.
The problem with christian community is that while we are all striving to walk like Jesus did we are still people. Busy, messed up, trying to sort out our own junk, barely surviving, barely thriving people trying to do the best we can. It is imperfect.
I was crying to dan last night (who is such a good man let me say!) about not feeling chosen. About feeling left out.  As I processed with him I asked "are we too hard to be friends with?" "do we come off like we don't need community-like we have it figured out?" "do people just not like us" I realized that me feeling isolated is the enemy doing his job well. Me feeling alone is a success in his eyes.

I'm guessing if this is happening to me over and over and over again. It is happening to a lot of people. I am not writing this so you all will leave comments telling me how loved we are. But because this feeling of being alone is a lie. I know it is a lie, but it is SO HARD to shake. So while I am still feeling the sting of this lie today-I am fighting hard to combat it. I am trying not to isolate myself or have my feelings hurt because we didn't get invited to something. (Even though we had plans and couldn't have gone anyway-umm I know ridiculous- don't judge)

I guess that is all. Oh- and that we were chosen. That God chose us. He chose to sacrifice his son for to save us- and THAT is a huge choice. HE CHOSE US.  And while church, or friends, or family (all broken human things/people) may not do the best job of choosing us. God already has.

Just some thoughts and struggles I wanted to share.
Love, La


  1. oh, sister. I feel this stuff all the time! You're right, it is a lie, but you're also right that it's hard to shake. Hard to believe the truth about ourselves that we are greatly loved, called by name, chosen. It's hard to be created for community and yet not give that community the power to define our identities. I'm sorry you are feeling left out. That's a horrible feeling. We love you!

  2. I feel this way allllll the time. Don't worry, you're not alone. That is something I've struggled with since I was in jr high... the devil just always tries to kick you in a spot that's already been wounded a million times before. He's a total jerk like that.
    you can always call me to hang if you're feeling lonely, I'm always up for some girlie time. =)

  3. As you well know this is something I have struggled with always...maybe some of my insecurity has rubbed off on you here...but truly I think it is just a common problem, especially with women since we are so relationally oriented. But some of it may be due to demeanor...I did have someone tell me not long ago, after I had shared some great sadness that basically went unacknowledged, that they felt I was so strong, so together, that I was okay and didn't really WANT or NEED a shoulder...apparently I am really little known except by the One who loves us so...


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