The D word.

So for about the last month I have been becoming increasingly overwhelmed with the state of my life. It even got to the point that I was feeling completely overwhelmed by every day tasks. Going to the grocery store...doing the the house (I mean who am I joking I do a poor job at this anyway).... taking a shower...changing a diaper... doing therapies with Emmaus...Comforting her during a seizure. You name it and I am guessing it could be added to the list of tasks that were too overwhelming for me. I was spending a lot of time grieving Emmaus' illness and was less able to be joyful about the sweet little girl that she is. So I decided it was probably time to chat with my midwife about getting on an anti-depressant. GASP. I am talking about the black shadow that follows so many around. DEPRESSION.
(I mean christians have Jesus and NEVER depression right?!?!- we can just pray through those hard times?!? right? ) (wrong) (although we do have Jesus...but also can have depression) (and I use ( ) <--------these things way too much I'm aware)

I am by nature an energizer bunny. I go go go and rest when I have a chance. And when it got to the point that I could hardly get out of bed I knew I needed to think about letting modern medicine  help me out. (This is saying a lot because I rarely take an Advil when I have a headache- DRINK MORE WATER I TELL YOU!)
However- I am happy to report that I am now the proud owner of a prescription for prozac. And boy is it helping. I just feel like myself again. Like I am able to not only take care of myself but my family and do kind things for others. I am able to be happy and sad and cope.  I had an epiphany that I had been in survival mode and this isn't something we are going to survive or have to cope with for just a period of time. This is our life. This is our new reality. And while we will keep believing God will heal Emmaus. We will still ask for a miracle. I HAVE to live in our reality now. And I have to live my life well. So here I am...Finding joy once again thanks to a lot of help from those around us and a little modern medicine.

So tonight we are finding victories in the little things. Dan was just holding Emmaus in his lap and she was holding on to her burp cloth and bringing it to her mouth to chew on. (Victory) Then she started reaching out to the arm of the couch and feeling it...PRESSING against it....PUSHING on it.(VICTORY) This is a huge deal since the kid isn't keen on using using her arms or legs to push on anything. This is a victory for us tonight. And while most babies just do these things and their parents may or may not notice...this is a task we have been working on for the last month. And we both just got giddy like a kid at christmas watching our beautiful baby girl explore her world.

Thank you Jesus for these victories. Thank you prozac for balancing the chemicals in my brain and making me functional once again.



  1. I'm so proud of you for so many reasons. you're my hero.

  2. Seriously. I left my Ma a voicemail yesterday that went like this "I don't know why anyone wouldn't want to be on prozac." Love you.Nikki

  3. Yesterday WAS a wonderful day for our little one! She was such a joy at my house,lots of talking and interacting! Love her, love dan, love YOU!!!

  4. You are awesome. Thank you for being so real and honest about your life. You're honesty makes praying over you much easier and is allowing the grace of Christ to flow through you all. Depression is real and lots of mama's experience it but are too afraid to speak out. Thank you for letting us all come along this journey with you to love Em and learn your new role as a mother. May the Lord continue to use your journey to bless those who come in contact with you. AND my the Lord use modern medicines to help your chemicals balance out and provide you with more moments of joy.
    Love you.

  5. Love you all - and bless you for your honesty!

  6. I second Kelsey, you really are an inspirational person and definitely one of my heroes.

  7. This is my first time to your blog (the result of a day full of clicking through links on other blogs), and I just wanted to impart some words of encouragement. I am a total go-getter-don't-need-anybody's-help-no-medication type of person, too. But earlier this year I had to go on anti-depressants because of panic attacks. I took this as a personal flaw like I wasn't strong enough to handle the depression and anxiety symptoms. It wasn't until I heard somebody say, "If you had diabetes, you wouldn't stop taking insulin, right?" that I realized that depression and anxiety are just diseases that can affect anybody. No matter the type of character you have, it is something that was written into your genetic code. And ever since then, I have learned about a number of people who are also on anti-depressants. So take heart, friend. And know that God will continue to walk with you and provide for you. And know that there are people everywhere who are praying for your family.


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