Out of control

So I am reading this great book on prayer. It is called "A praying Life" and is by Paul Miller. In the chapter I read today it said this-

"When you stop trying to control your life and instead allow your anxieties and problems to bring you to God in prayer, you shift from worrying to watching. You watch God weave his patterns in the story of your life. Instead of trying to be out front, designing your life, you realize you are inside God's drama. As you wait, you begin to see him work and your life begins to sparkle with wonder. You are learning to trust again. "

I am a control freak. I don't consider myself to be high anxiety, but I guess the reason I like to control my life so much is so that I don't feel anxious about what is happening. If I have a plan I can be calm. I like a plan...I don't like flying by the seat of my pants. When I am at work (I'm a pediatric nurse) one of the first things I do when I meet the family I am taking care of is letting them know the plan for the night. I feel like communicating what I am thinking and letting them know what to expect brings the best working relationship. I do this with God too. I often let Him know "the plan"- expecting that if He knows what I am thinking we will have a good working relationship. Problem number one- I can't see the big picture and He can. I can imagine God chuckling when I tell him "the plan". I can see him saying "Okay my child- you let me know how that is working for you" and about 25 seconds later when the plan falls apart he is there to pick me back up and share His plan with me.

With everything going on with Emmaus I can honestly say I have NO PLAN. I feel like with my life in general I have no plan anymore. I can plan on going to jazzercise in the afternoon, but if Em has a rough day with lots of seizures that is not something I can control and I stay home. If we have plans with friends but I am too tired due to a rough night, I cancel. If we are planning to go on a date and Em is having a rough day we stay home. I guess you could say I am learning to fly by the seat of my pants. I have learned over the last 3 months that anxiety does creep into my life when I am unable to make a plan. But I have also learned that being anxious does NOTHING (besides make me sad and miserable).

So I am learning to pray. I pray for Emmaus before she goes to sleep at night that she would not seize & rest. I pray for her when she wakes up. I pray for her when she is having a seizure. I pray for her development, for her minds protection. I pray that we would not be swallowed up with the grieving & hurdles in this process, but be overwhelmed with the Joy that this child brings into our lives. I pray for Dan on nights I work and he is at home with her alone. I pray for smooth nights at work so I am not feeling stress at work and at home. I pray for Dans job that it would become rewarding. I just pray. A lot. Cause that is all I can do. And I am switching from worrying to watching. I am working on discuss less, pray more.

Guess thats all,

Love, La

"Life's unexpected turns had created a path in my heart to God; God taught me to pray through suffering" -just one more quote from the book that is so so so true for me.