THE CAN vs WILL discussion

I ran away from home today. After 4 weeks of being needed by someone (be that child, husband or mutt) almost every minute of my waking hours it finally got to me today and I ran away. Okay fine…I didn’t exactly run- I more fed the child and left her with the husband and the mutt so I could get a much needed minute to myself at the Roasterie. For the first time I understand Jesus trying to escape from the crowds. Can you imagine being continually needed by that many people?! I mean I know he was fully God, but he was also fully man and GOSH he must have been tired! Cause I have only been doing this “consistently being needed thing” for 4 weeks and he did it for years!

So speaking of Jesus/God this is going to be a post about God and what I feel like he is doing in my life. So if you have a huge aversion to this topic just be warned. My blog…my topics. =)

I have realized over that last few months that I am extremely emotionally guarded. I’m going to try to work on this because it isn’t a good thing.

I know I have mentioned before that I have always felt loved by God. That I have always felt him in my life and know that he has loved me and wanted me to be in a relationship with him. Over the last few years and months really I feel like God has really asked me for more than just a relationship. Due to situations over the last few years, trials we have endured I feel like Faith is something I have been working on a lot. It’s not always fun, but I grow. I become stronger, and my faith becomes greater. Because God has never let me down.

I grew up in a pretty conservative church. A church that didn’t focus a whole lot on the Holy Spirit and the gifts of the Holy Spirit. Since I moved back to KC in 2006 I have attended a church that not only believes in the gifts of the Holy Spirit but also encourages us to practice them and even though they are often awkward and often feel uncomfortable to believe in them and work through some of that stuff. So I’ve been doing that.

I believe in healing. I believe God CAN heal people if he chooses. Time and time again in the bible he does! And it is often due to the persons “great faith”.

Since we found out about Emmaus and the rhabdomyomas and probable TSC I have asked God time and time again to heal our baby girl. To protect her from this disease. I have examined my faith in God’s ability to heal. I have worked on increasing that faith and trusting God instead of worrying. Believing in God and his ability to heal over the science and real life that I see everyday working at CMH. Because I have no doubt that God is bigger than “real life”. Like I said I believe God CAN heal her.

However. The other day when I was spending some time reading my bible and praying for our baby girl I felt like God ever so gently spoke to me. Weird I know. It wasn’t audible. But I have no doubt that what I “heard” came from God and was not of my own invention.

He said “Laurisa, I really appreciate that you believe that I CAN heal Emmaus. But I need you to believe that I WILL heal her”. Uhhh WOAH?!?

Now let me clarify a bit. I did not hear God say “Laurisa, I am going to heal your daughter” or “I WILL heal her” but I heard “I need you to believe that I will heal her” Although those things might sound the same they aren’t.

For a while I contemplated if there even is a difference between “CAN HEAL” and “WILL HEAL”. I spoke to a couple friends about it and got varying reactions or no reaction or odd looks like “I think you should get more sleep friend”. After much contemplation and discussion came to the conclusion that there is a HUGE difference.

Believing that God CAN heal is safe for me. It means I believe God has the capability to heal but it doesn’t invest me emotionally. There is no factor of disappointment if he doesn’t. There is no commitment from me. (If in my wedding vows with Dan I said “I can stay faithful to you, I can stay committed…it would have had a lot less of an impact than me saying I WILL stay faithful. I WILL stay committed. Because it just means I am capable, but not that I will do the thing.)

Believing that God WILL heal isn’t safe. It makes me take an emotional risk. To step out in faith in a way that I am VERY uncomfortable doing. It makes me vulnerable. It has the chance of disappointment. It has the potential to make me look foolish to those that don’t understand what I am talking about, that don’t believe in the same God that I do, or that do believe in God, but don’t believe the miracles of the bible “exist” on earth today.

However, I am not afraid of looking foolish. I am not afraid of completely emotionally exposing myself here (okay…maybe I am kinda sorta uncomfortable with this but I am doing it anyway). Because the truth is that I would rather step out in the faith that I feel like God has directly asked me to; I would rather stand firmly (no matter how scary) in believing God WILL heal my daughter than be “safe” in the place of believing he CAN heal her”. I would rather have people think I am crazy, foolish, or wrong, than pass up this chance to follow my Jesus to where he is leading me. To increase my faith, my relationship, and my trust in the creator of the universe.

So I guess what I am saying is, I believe God will heal her. I don’t know what that looks like. But I do know that I have never been disappointed in following Jesus and doing exactly what he asks of me. So I am resting in that today. In the history of our relationship and his failure to ever disappoint me.